I’m baaaaaaack! Feeling random today.

tenor

Hello lovies! I am so back to writing. I’ve been getting a lot of feedback to get back to this game and, here I am! I think the last time I actually wrote was like 2 or 3 years ago…too lazy to go back and check. However, social media followers always say, if you put your relationship out there for us to follow, do not leave us hanging when you breakup. Baby

Well, I have been away all this time, figuring out my life. Truth is, I was a major wreck for a very long time and I finally hit rock bottom. It was so bad, I had to really re-think my life and re-structure completely. I swear, the hardest person in life to get to really know is YOURSELF! I literally had to re-introduce Kate to Kate. Who am I? Why am I really struggling with just about everything in my life? Where did it all start going wrong? Who was I before it all fell apart? Do I like who that version of me was or should I work on really finding out what my purpose is in this life? At the risk of becoming boring, I will jump straight into the deep stuff with the hope that we can keep the posts punchy haha.

So, first of all, my morning jam is “Living my Best life” by Snoop!

Snoop

I am literally the happiest I have ever been since I was born! I want this post to have a bang because, I literally have no filter anymore. FATHERS, LOVE YOUR DAUGHTERS! A majority of my struggles were deeply rooted in my father’s mistakes with parenting. I am a strong believer in girls who know how to be loved by a man, having lesser problems than those who don’t.

I grew up with a child around me who had come from a very dysfunctional home. She went through so much as a child including neglect from her father after the mum passed away. She barely knew how to be loved. I have seen girls in the neighborhood I grew up in settle for a bag of fries or a 50 bob chain and fall madly in love. But as a woman, when everything you wanted, be it emotional or material was given to you by your father, how can you settle for less?

My former CEO and I spoke about this extensively and he actually agreed with me. A girl’s first love is her father! Her first heart break is from her father! So, I grew up with a very huge void that I filled repeatedly with the wrong love. By the way, women! Men see emptiness in women. From the way we express ourselves, carry ourselves, engage them…they know and they prey on that emptiness. When I started to look within and face my issues head on, everything changed. I lost a lot of people in my life that preyed on my desire to be loved as much as I loved them.

My dad was THE prisons commissioner in the 80’s. He was a very strict dad from what I can recall. I honestly did not get to know him in the 16 years he was in my life. He was the kind of man that walked in and everyone walked out so he could watch CNN or read the paper in the living room. He was seldom home. We would go months without being able to reach him or even knowing where he was.

I was in a boarding school in Nakuru for most of my primary school year. Father’s day was a very big deal and we would lock down a whole Sunday where all Dads’ came to visit without the Mums’, just to bond with their kids, watch them perform songs and skits to applaud them for raising us. He always promised my mum that he would show up, but she always came and sat in the back ground, just in case he didn’t. Then she would always show up and wing it…all single mum’s have a plan B. The one time he showed up, it was so awkward, I literally never wanted it to happen again.

All this and more went on with him literally “doing him”, until he passed away. During my dad’s funeral, my name was not on his eulogy. My steps claimed that bastards should not be included. So, we sat at the back and I had to deal with my school mates coming to support and having to ask numerous questions. Literally, people say he was a good man, but I do not know how that feels.

This translated in the partners I chose. Majority are exactly like him…because it was familiar. However, getting to know your self and your worth, knowing that you should pity people for being so dark and not blame yourself, completely changed my life. Never carry the weight of people’s mistakes. Pity them for being so damaged that they want to damage you. As long as your intent is right, let people do them and know that you are amazing for empathizing with their brokenness.

Anyway, I have so much to write about and I want to be real and honest about everything I have been through in my life so far. For today, I am just super happy to be back. I am so ready to write! I am excited about my journey and I would love to share it with the hope that someone out there knows that, it is all worth your while. I wrote about this randomly because I think about it almost everyday and it is a huge part of my journey as a daughter and once again as a single mother. I respect deeply each and every man who has stepped up in good and bad times for a child who wrote no memo to be brought to earth! I want them to know that the most important thing you can give a child is LOVE. More to come!

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