With time, the hunger to be loved and cared for by the opposite sex grew inside me like a tumor. I was numb inside and wanted to feel different. Naturally, I love and love hard. Be it family, friends and companions. I lost all that through out the rough process of getting over being jilted and postpartum. I weighed 45 kilograms with blood shot eyes and bones sticking out at every point of my body with little flesh. Worse even, I was still breast feeding Kimberly. I had sleepless nights thinking about how I would handle everything at the same time with someone who wasn’t her father. I hadn’t been with anyone since him.
In my shenanigans, I bumped into an old friend from campus and re-kindled the friendship after years apart. It was easy…always has been easy to be with someone familiar. I was comfortable with going out for drinks with him, we had friends in common and he empathized with the whole motherhood situation. There was little to no pressure from his end on making me do anything I was not comfortable with. I liked it, A LOT! He also expressed interest in fatherhood. Haha, guys! The problem with being damaged is, everything sounds right, until it’s not.
We kept at it for a month or two, just hanging out in our usual crowds. With time, we started to spend a lot of alone time and alcohol was always involved. I was the least bit focused on my career, had shut down on everything. I did what needed to be done and that was it. So, I would leave work and go hang out with him and drink, then head home later in the night. One Friday, I decided to stay over. I dreaded telling my mum since I knew that she would be livid! So, we got drunk til late and I put my phone on silent. I really had no plan. I was going with the flow.
We headed over to his house with some liquor to set the mood and hopefully numb me some more so I could “do it”. We finally got to it and I was feeling calm and confident. I changed into his t-shirt and shorts and we hang out and talked. He finally started off the the process that leads to the real deal. It was working…I was comfortable and going with it. But, at some point, my breasts exploded with milk oozing into my bra in seriously huge amounts! I panicked and quickly started thinking….OMG, OMG, OMFG! What the hell was I going to do. I stopped him calmly and asked that we take more liquor.
He didn’t fight. We put on some more music. I pumped him with shot after shot with the aim of making him black out! My heart was literally going through waves of regret, shame and panic! He finally blacked out. I lay on that bed looking at the clock, soaked in a wet t shirt and trying not to smudge his sheets and mattress with breast milk! Finally, the clock struck 6 a.m and I could hear the matatus start hooting from a distance. I got up, sneaked into the shower, washed his clothes, showered and put on my wet bra, sweater top and a scarf covering my chest area fully. I bid him goodbye and left his house heading home.
The whole way home, I was lost in my head just thinking….OMG, it’s over! I cannot date. Really, it was HARD! How do you ooze breast milk into someone’s face…who is not even your baby’s father or husband. Nooooo, I wasn’t going to do it again for a while. There’s also this myth by the Luhya community about sleeping with someone who is not the parent to your child and this affecting the child’s health…Ha! I was going through mental torture. I got home and had to deal with the scolding, my insecurities and the fear of not wanting to touch my baby and have the curse be-fall her.
Do I have a moral today really…..I don’t think so. However, it is crazy being a single mother! People might find me crazy for telling this part of my story. However, truth be told. Men need to know what they put women through with their decisions. Not that I would marry a horrible guy just to save me this trouble. Just that, women really go through a lot in silence. I hope this makes at least one guy treat his woman like a queen.