First post 2019: Do I have the balls for this?!!!

I was seated with a friend recently, talking about our individual personalities. He had a couple of interesting things to tell me about myself and a few pointers on my weaknesses. Maybe he kept the weaknesses brief since he knows that I am a serious fire cracker and not always receptive to criticism. Hahaha, a fact I am not ashamed to admit. Anyway, one thing that really got me thinking was forgiveness. He told me that, what he observed is that, I do not forgive and let go easily. I am one person who lives in my head a little more than normal people should. Alarming, right? But, it is my truth. So, I broke down that statement and started to look back……waaaay back, on instances where I have not forgiven in my past. So I rushed to look for more insight and I looked at it in various ways. First is, how did I get here, second is, who is responsible and third is, how do I get out. 

How did I get here?

I tend to think that growing up, I was very timid, very soft spoken and very easy to mess with. I was naive and desperate to keep people in my life. The good, the bad and the ugly. We all know that when you put a rotten fruit in a basket of fresh fruits, they all rot. Trying to accommodate all these characters just to avoid being alone, or avoid loosing people I valued for the right or the wrong reasons, exposed me to a lot of emotional abuse. As a result, one day I broke and became the complete opposite. Enough was enough. I begun to break down situations to serious detail to help me clearly identify who is responsible, when to apologize, when to forgive or when to cut off completely!

Who is responsible?

Initially, I always played the victim. I always mopped and felt sorry for myself. I remember in high school, someone wrote me a note on my last day of school telling me that I value friendship too much and she didn’t like that about me. In short, my happiness was fully dependent on other people. This reflected seriously in my previous relationship which ended up in a series of events with friends and family that led to the breaking point where I snapped! I started viewing disagreements realistically and stopped attaching myself to people too much. I became extremely confident in my truths and now find it easy cutting off bad fruits! 3 strikes and you’re out! I realized that every disagreement has two sides to it; where each party has to take responsibility no matter how small, for creating that situation. Either by allowing it or committing it. My “breaking down” of situations is always to help me know, what my role is, whether to apologize, whether to forgive or whether to cut off for my peace of mind. This has resulted in me growing a big ass and getting loads of sleep. However, it has made people view me as unforgiving!

How do I get out?

Question is, am I? Am I unforgiving? I’ll say both yes and no. One thing I know for sure is, how you feel inside reflects on the outside. I exhume love, I love to love, I thrive in love and I obsess about love. I crave it so bad, so I give it in abundance. To my child, my family, my friends and pretty much everyone around me. When I meet a person, I see purity. I react by loving them and accommodating them. With time, they start to become themselves and my first reaction is to accept them. I open up my whole self to them and I honestly will never change that about myself. I love being vulnerable. I then learn who fights for me and who I will fight for and I cast it on stone like the 10 commandments. They can tell that I will take a bullet for them. With that comes expectations. This is where the line of being forgiving or unforgiving is drawn for me. This is where its do or die.

So, why I wrote all this is because, I had a dream. A dream that was fueled by the rude awakening of how much power you give a person when you do not forgive them and when you do not seek forgiveness. There is forgiveness when no apology is offered; like if someone died or is completely unapologetic for what they did (hardest one to crack, I swear). There is forgiveness of self, where you take responsibility for your role and forgive yourself. There is seeking forgiveness from those you wronged, which I have found so fulfilling in the past (easy for me). Now, the irony of this whole situation is, I know all this but cannot get myself to do it. Therefore, my biggest goal in 2019 is to hack this! I have purposed to do it for me. I have seen the beauty of overcoming life’s challenges. The fruits are too damn sweet! Can’t wait to crack this and tell you all about it! Happy 2019! Let’s forgive, let go and make that money!

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